Solutions Based Counseling Helping Married Couples Stay Together

Reactive Anger  


Anger is not a "bad" emotion. If it is expressed properly, problems can be corrected and wants and needs can be addressed. However, reactive anger is another matter. It is defensive by nature and potentially damaging to one's self-esteem. The good news is that I have found that reactive anger can be managed by therapy that can address the source of the anger and help build skills in focus and anger management. 


Anger is energy. We feel angry and it makes us want to do something, hit someone, throw or break something, do whatever it takes to release the energy. Uncontrolled or poorly managed anger is the most common cause of personal relationship problems such as divorce and separation. The real problem is not the anger; the problem is actually the mismanagement of the anger. Conflict in our personal relationships is to be expected. There is bound to be disagreement occasionally simply because we are each so unique in terms of our background and the morals, values and life experience we bring with us into our relationships. These differences are going to lead to occasional or sometimes frequent conflicts and disputes. If we do not know how to handle the anger of these conflicts correctly, we will mismanage them every time. Eventually, the built up disgust from our failed attempt to resolve our conflicts leads to the deterioration and often the end of our relationships.

The process of anger management begins with investigating the nature of your own anger. Your anger is a part of who you are and it can explains why you are vulnerable to what triggers your anger attacks in the first place. One of the most common causes of over-reactive anger (rage) is the result of suppressed anger from the past. Most people suppress their anger until the pressures, tensions and stress cause them to erupt like a volcano. This causes them to do and say things they don't want to do and later regret. Fortunately, anger management can be learned and there is help in finding appropriate means of handling anger before it builds into a rage. Through effective therapy we can learn effective techniques to manage our anger at others appropriately. Those who receive our unmanaged anger are also in pain. When both partners have learned therapeutic ways in expressing and handling each other’s anger and frustration, they are able to act in behalf of their own relationship. They have stopped over-reacting to each other's frustration in the relationship. They are able to transform an anger situation between them in which they feel victimized, out of control, powerless, and unappreciated into feeling confidence, maturity, equality, belonging, trust and a deep sense of peace. Using some of the proven techniques that therapy can teach, they become able to replace their feelings of bitterness and hatred with feelings of love and mutual respect. Their behavior towards each other becomes more respectful, constructive, and supportive and their relationship becomes more rewarding. They have learned from the anger management skills how to replace their discouragement with encouragement. They can now feel respected and to be respectful in their relationship. 

 Dont Give Up